Bako National Park

Four days is never long enough to truly appreciate a new destination, but when it's an island where scientists and explorers are forever unearthing new species of plant and wildlife it's impossible to know where to start!

So, it was on the recommendation of our drunken Malayan friends we packed the bags and set off in search of Bako, the province's oldest national park. Though small, just 2,727 hectares, it's home to some of Borneo's most diverse geography - jungle, rain forest, mangrove, not to mention the beautifully remote beaches that protrude into the South China Sea. Hence why you need to charter a boat to get yourself there!

"Bako is blessed with an incredible array of vegetation types, many of which you won't find anywhere else in Borneo", says the visitor's guide! It's also home to the rare, and protected, Proboscis monkey, a species endemic to the islands and found nowhere else in the world. They're identified by their huge nose - and in many cases bright pink, and permanently stiff, penises - which, rather amusingly, has resulted in the nickname "The Dutchman". Marit for some reason failed to see the funny side! Other fascinating animals include the long-tailed Macaques - noisy bar stewards - plantain squirrels and bearded pigs (which Marit, rather unkindly I thought and more out of revenge because of my continuous "Dutchman" jokes, likened me to).

Given the size of the reserve we were never going to see it all, but we tried. We clocked up kilometre after kilometre as we trekked deep into the park - following beautiful trails, done so professionally you hardly knew they were there - to catch a glimpse of some of the wildlife. And the hard worked paid off. We managed to catch a "Dutchman" - ugly things they are too! Alas no erect willy! We took time out to swim, alone, in the South China Sea. Climbed incredible rock formations for amazing views of the coastline and adjoining jungle. We even happened upon waterfalls, which had somehow defied the surrounding landscape to create the very kind of idyllic oasis you dream of finding in such environments.

Shame it all had to come to an end really. But it does. So, we found ourselves back in Kuching for a night before heading back north to the Malaysian peninsula to rendez-vous with Marit's parents. Of course, being the last night of our adventures alone we were sure to celebrate in style. And we did. Splashing out on a fancy meal at the up-market "Blah Blah Blah" restaurant. Typically we ordered too much - cheese stuffed ostrich roles, deer pan fried in ginger, bean curd marinated chicken wings and tempura vegetables to name but a few dishes - washed down with a champagne bucket stacked full of chilled Tiger. Hmmm, can still taste the ostrich!

Off to Borneo on a whim!

Nipped down to Kuching on a whim for a taste of life in Borneo - and what a great decision it proved to be! Thanks must go to Air Asia for their unbeatable deals - six flights for 130 quid - which provided us with the unmissable opportunity to visit this beautiful tropical island.

Situated on the banks of the Sarawak river, in the north west of Borneo, Kuching is a delightful place with an eclectic mix of Chinese, Malays, Ibans and Indians all of whom go out of their way to ensure visitors get a snapshot of the real Borneo experience.

Apparently an overpopulation of stumpy-tailed cats - we didn't see one so-called Borneo feline - bolsters the theory that the city's name is derived from "kucing", Malay for cat. More plausible though is that it comes from the Indian name for port, "cochin", seeing as it was these guys who first settled in what has become Malaysia's fourth biggest city.

Hadn't even landed ourselves a bed for the night (we were in the process of searching) when we were invited to join a bunch of Malayans- lawyers, claims adjusters, university lecturers and bar manager to boot - for a beer. One bucket (canned beer is so cheap that locals prefer to quench their thirst with ice-filled buckets of tinned Tiger) led to two, to three, to, well you know the score by now! Then the food started to appear. Plates of local delicacies, like fried pig face, were accompanied by a bottle of local moonshine whisky (not good), all the while our drunken hosts encouraging us to don tribal gear and attempt local dances.

And just when we thought the night couldn't get any crazier, it did! More friends appeared, from KL, in town for a wedding. Of course,given our state, we didn't need asking twice if we wanted to gate crash the hen/stag night - hosted by one of the city's swanky wine bars. Chauffeur driven, by our by now out of control hosts, to "Mojo" the revelry continued late into the night. Even the bride and groom seemed delighted at having us on board - never once in the 11 hours of hospitality were we expected to buy a drink!

Recently voted Malaysia's healthiest and cleanest city, Kuching boasts a vibrant mix of western and eastern culture, tradition and history. Sarawak, the province, was a part of the Sultanate of Brunei 200 years ago but, as reward for his help in putting down a rebellion, it was ceded to British adventurer James Brooke who ruled it as his personal kingdom. Kuching was made his capital and headquarters. The British gave Sarawak independence in 1963 and together with north Borneo (Sabah) and Singapore, helped form Malaysia.

Pulau Langkawi - Malaysia

Langkawi comprises a group of 99 tropical islands lying off the northwestern coast of Peninsular Malaysia. The perfect place, we thought, to start the final month of our trip!

The islands are richly blessed with a heritage of fabulous myths and legends: of ogres and gigantic birds, warriors and fairy princesses, battles and romance. But it's as a natural paradise, these islands are perhaps unmatched anywhere else we've visited. With a geological history dating back 500 million odd years, the islands are decorated with unique rock formations, while dark and unnerving caves, with their stunning stalactites and stalagmites, make for a welcome retreat from the sun-baked beaches. Clear, emerald waters host every watersport imaginable and a magical world of marine life is just a shortboat ride away. Better still is the fact everything is tax-free, hence the nickname, derived by mainlanders, "Duty-Free Island".

Landed after short hour-long boat ride from Satun, in the deep southwest of Thailand. Given the expense of accommodation - amazing five star hotels boasting private beaches dominate Langkawi - we were lucky to happen on Gecko Guesthouse, Pantai Tengah beach, with spacious rooms for three quid. The place has a decent bar which plays host to much of the area's early-night drinking. Anyway, that's irrelevant. It's the island you want to here about, right?

Given the size of the mainland - comparable with the Isle of Wight -we didn't need convincing that a motorbike was the best way to explore. Okay, so it was a scooter, but it was bloody fast, 110kph! So, dressed like a couple of Mardi Gras queers - helmets are mandatory- we embarked on a "Kris and Marit tour", clocking up 230km in the process. Unfortunately, nothing is perfect. Our blowout halfway up Mt Raya is proof of that! Thankfully our fortunes were revered by a
lovely local family who, after we'd descended much of the island's highest peak by foot, tended to our needs while calling for aid.

Not only does Langkawi boast such natural diversity the Malaysian government has built the world's steepest cable car to allow visitors to see it all. With sweaty feet and palms - it's real high guys, real high - we jumped in one of the little transparent boxes for our 2km ride to the summit of Mt. Machincang. And what is there to say? Nothing, the views speak for themselves. East, the Thai mainland, north, Thai islands of Khao Lak and Lanta. And west, on a clearer day, The Andamans. All this provided by engineering feats that do little to stop the knees trembling!

With hammocks in tow we journeyed on. Stopping here and there to laze on a beach, bath under a waterfall, or dine at one of Langkawi's superb restaurants. Tapas and chilled beers amidst the class and money at Telaga mariner. Kick-arse mojitos at the exclusive Sunsatra - which is home to one of the craziest, and coolest, toilets we've ever seen. And simple, but tasty, Malayan dishes washed down with the freshest of juices at Red Tomato.

Thought we'd made a mistake coming here, bit upmarket and all. On the ontrary, it's great. The perfect place to chill and relax, read a book, or....hang on, doesn't this all sound a bit, predictable. Yep. It's a hard life this travel lark.

Bangkok - again!!

Put quite simply, Bangkok rules! Fourth time we've wound up here - well if you like to party there aren't many better places that we've seen. Then there's the food found on every corner of countless bustling neighbourhoods. And if it's shopping you like, shit, it must be heaven - fortunately we don't have the bag space!

Started a decent 18hr run in Pakse. Three hours across the border toUbon Ratchathani where we wasted several hours stuffing our greedy little faces with street food and Singha beer - hmmm. Overnight toBangkok - Krung Thep Maha Nakhon to the Thais - where we pitched up shortly before five, downed a coffee, found a hotel and hit the town.We finally crashed about 6.30am the following morning after a crazy night on the tiles.

There's something about this city that's just so addictive. We've seen some smart cities on this trip but, for us, it's Bangkok every time. So, where were we? Oh yeah, that's right, the all-nighter. Started with good western feed - previous night's gluttony was bound to have consequences, and did, grave ones - then hit the malls. And hell are there some malls in Bangkok.

Most recent is the Central/Zen mall, the largest in SE Asia. You name it this place has it, twice. Left the "beauty" department smelling like a poof's armpit. Couldn't stop dribbling in the food court. Bagged countless books, nearly bought a tele - 32 inch Sony Bravia flatscreen, 1100 quid - and classy watch but money had run out by then courtesy of Kris's new wardrobe. Finished afternoon off with a film at the centre's space age cinema, the likes of which we'd not seen before.
What we weren't prepared for however was when the "future features" were brought to an abrupt end with an advert giving it up for the Thai king - prompting the entire audience to break into song! Can you imagine cinema audiences in Holland or England dancing in their seats as pictures of Beatrix and Elizabeth were beamed onto the big screen. Us neither!

And, with daylight fading fast, we nipped into one of the city's amazing supermarkets (supersupermarket is more befitting) to grab a nice bottle of red to wash down the fresh seafood and strong as hell cheese.

Stuffed our faces, again, and then beer-hopped our way to Patpong, home to some of Bangkok's dirtiest birds and seediest bars. Great! Enjoyed a good'ol session into the wee hours, rounds of cheap Chang punctuated by heated haggling in the colourful Patpong market. Wondered why Marit was constantly encouraging more drink, and discovered the answer when I inadvertently agreed to join her in a Go-Go bar (like a supermarket except all the meat is alive).

We left, rather hot and bothered, some time later! Made the hotel's breakfast - we were staying at Bangkok City Inn, right in the heart of Siam, the retail hub and half way to everywhere- when we stumbled through the doors in search of sleep. Five hours later we were up doing the same thing, just different bars in different areas of the city. Even somehow manged to squeeze time in to book a flight to Hat Yai, down south (see Air Asia website for cheapas chips flights), from where we plan to orchestrate our overland run into Malaysia without running into the separatist rebels responsible for hacking off Buddhists' heads and, who have been causing a general nuisance of themselves since early 2004.

Champasak & Wat Phou

Mighty difficult to tear ourselves away from our hammocks, but needs must! Bid a premature farewell to paradise, and Jeremy, and joined a local fisherman for his pre-dawn run ashore. Somehow managed to find a seat, among 37 locals - a record, on a tuk-tuk heading north to Champasak, an agricultural town (whoopee!) some 60km up river.

Sure Champasak has a relaxed village ambiance and the people are friendly. But in all honesty it sucks! Mind you, Wat Phou - Laos' most significant Khmer archaeological site - is just 8km away, so we hired "bikes" and made our way into the foothills of the Phou Pasak.

With its teetering, weathered masonry, it conforms exactly to the Western ideal of a "lost city". Construction of the original Hindu temple complex was started in the fifth and sixth centuries, though most of what remains today is believed to have been built in the 10th and 11th centuries. French explorer Francis Garnier discovered Wat Phou in 1866 but little is known about its history other than the complex is at least 200 years older than Cambodia's Angkor Wat.

Locals made sure of a good night - several empty bottles of Lao Lao whisky were proof of that! Mind you, slurred grins were put on hold when a plate of "meat" arrived in honour of the guests. Lets just say it looked like a cross between liver and heart. It was hard and chewy but when swamped in chilli sauce actually tasted pretty darn good!

The country and its hosts really are a breath of fresh air. "Farlang" (foreigner), yet again, but when it's said it feels so different in Laos. The children smile, grab your arm if they can. The older folk, well they just stare but not obtrusively, on the contrary. They seem interested, baffled perhaps. This is, for sure, one place where you'd hope tourism continues to grow, put the place on the map so to speak, without taking over like in Thailand or Vietnam.

Whether it's a black coffee after hours that you want, or a beer with which to watch sunset. Maybe your laundry in less than 24 hours, or just a cheeky spliff before bedtime. With a wee grunt and nonchalant smile these folk will see you right - your wish is their command. So, what with the great folk, top nosh, stunning scenery and, surely, one of the most chilled, laid back lifestyles going, we bid a sad farewell to lovely Laos "Jewel of the Mekong". But we're heading back toThailand and you know what that means......!

Si Phan Don

Chilled. That was Goa down to its party-loving core. The Andamans, well they were pure bliss and probably on a par with heaven. So, if Pokhara is a place where time stands still, what the hell does that make Si Phan Don!?

Let us try and put this place into perspective for you. We're on the Laos-Cambodia border, a place where the mighty Mekong widens to 14km - the greatest width of the river in its entire 4200km course - and more than 4000 islands spring forth. The beauty must be seen to be believed, the peace and quiet like nothing else before.

An arduous six hour trip - it's those friggin "public buses" again - to the largest island, Don Khong. During a night in the capital Muang Khong (why a capital God only knows - there's about ten people living there!) we had a ring side seat for one of the most dramatic storms we'd ever seen. Then the heavens opened and we got piss-wet through!

Chartered an up-turned tree for the hour long trip to Don Deth, Laos' "pot of gold at the end of the rainbow", says RoughGuide. Within minutes we'd landed ourselves a bamboo hut (for a pound a night!), strung up hammocks and were swinging in the morning breeze. And that was about it for four whole days! When our noses weren't firmly parked in a book - a few dusty epics hoarded by local families who hire them out for about 10p a day - we'd saunter a few hundred yards to eat, or watch the sunset, or drink, or just to stretch those lazy limbs!

Given the slow-paced way of life on the lazy upper reaches of the Mekong, huge roaring waterfalls might seem out of place. Yet here, near the Cambodian border, the underlying geology changes and the river is punctuated by rapids and waterfalls. On Don Khone, linked to Don Deth by a French-built bridge, is the impressive Li Phi Falls. A short boat ride away is Khong Phapheng Falls, the largest in southeast Asia and, reputedly, widest in the world.

But bicycling around a sub-tropical island was too much like hardwork. Now a chilled Beer Lao in a hammock, that's more like it. And it was such a moment of bliss that was shattered when our ol'chum Jeremy suddenly appeared on our porch - ensuring the island's population had doubled in the space of two days!

Over the next few days the three of us ate, drank and smoked ourselves into Utopia. Well, in all honesty, that's all there is to do in Si Phan Don. Sure, you can charter your own up-turned tree and head downriver. Maybe it's a refreshing dip in the Mekong you're hankering for, or a spot of fresh-water dolphin watching (there's only 30 or so of em left so chances are slim). But when fruit falls from the trees, beer's never ending and herbs are literally thrown in with the price of a room, why bother?!

Heading South

Shame Laos' roads are so shyte - it means back-tracking if you want to see both north and south. We wanted to see south. So back-tracking it was!

Only been back in Luang Prabang five minutes when we bumped into our Canadian drinking buddies Graham and Kristy - who, much like the rest of Laos hadn't moved in the past week. No sooner had we arranged drinks than we set upon by a six-foot stranger who claimed he knew us. Would you Adam and Eve it. If it wasn't our good mate Jeremy with whomwe had shared many a drunken night on The Andamans (not to mention his sisters Beth and Michelle, who we teamed up with Darjeeling).

Enjoyed several "late nights" with everyone - it's difficult not to in Luang Prabang! But with the idyllic south calling our names we forced ourselves into a ticket agent and onto a bus for the nine hour tripback to Vientiane. With four hours to kill in the capital, while in transit, there was only one thing for it. Yep, Beer Lao! And plenty of it. Needless to say we both slept like bambinos as our VIP chariot - are bums needed a slice of luxury - swept us south through Paksan,Thakhek and Savannakhet before finally coming to rest in Pakse.

The largest town in the south, Pakse sits on the junction of the Mekong and Xe Don rivers. The town has surely seen better days yet the tatty colonial buildings lend an air of old-world charm to the place. And it doesn't take long to realise how the town's old colonial ebb is fast succumbing to Thai and Vietnamese influence. The French orchestrated change in this part of Laos after identifying the Boloven Plateau as a prime location for farming stock. Now the spectacular plateau is home to Laos' coffee industry - more than 20,000 tonnes of the bean is grown annually.

But we weren't here for the coffee, as good as it is (superb when drank without the condensed milk locals prefer to add as sweetener). Nope, we were here to charter transport to the deep south. Si Phan Don, the place they call "The 4000 islands".